16 weeks

Wow. Time flies. Everything is going so fast and honestly, it breaks my heart! I knew it was going to be fast, but not this fast. I feel like a cartoon character that is digging his heels into the ground trying to stop with a cloud of dust behind me.

I really am enjoying the ride! Much more than I thought I would. I don't know if it is because I am not a first time parent or I just lucked out tremendously... But I am enjoying these two babies more than I ever dreamed possible. Not that it is easy, it's a far cry from easy. But it is fun! I just love taking care of them and seeing them grow. Brynn has been an amazing big sister and loves these babies every bit as much as I do. She is such a great helper and sometimes a little too overwhelming to them but means well. I haven't even seen the slightest bit of jealousy! I love my kids.

So I have been back to work for two weeks now. Two weeks too long if you ask me. It breaks my heart to drop them off at "school" every morning. I absolutely loathe waking my three sleeping children every weekday. I no longer cry every day (ok, just a couple times) but I still hurt. I never dreamed I would feel this way.

Growing up, both of my parents worked full time. I was always encouraged to "be whatever I wanted to be!" I never really knew what I wanted to be, but I felt I could do it! I went to college, changed majors a couple times, graduated, got a job and started paying off all those loans. Jeff and I got married, bought a house, had baby, upgraded to a bigger house and started on baby 2. Now with three kids, working full time and paying for daycare... I can't help but feel like I made mistake somewhere. My priorities are out of whack. I don't care about spending 45 hours a week at a job. I want to spend time with my family! My kids! Shit.

Honestly, never considered that I might feel like this. I really didn't. I didn't feel as strongly when I just had Brynn. I don't know why. I think maybe it feels triple as hard because I have triple the kids. I keep wrackingmy brain, trying to figure out how I can stay home with them for a while. Ya know, until they turn into little monsters and I want to go back to work...

12 days old!!

ok this is from 2 days ago but I am publishing it now anyway. No one reads this anyway! :)

I cannot believe it. They are almost two weeks old! Time is flying by so quickly!!  With the hospital, Brynn being sick, the visitors and the doctor appointments... it is just going too fast!

They had a weigh-in at the Dr. Today to make sure they were gaining weight. I knew they were but I wasn't sure how much. Here are the stats so far:

At birth:
Beckett was 6 lbs 14.9 oz and 20" long
Asher was 6lbs. 15.5 oz and 18.5 long

4 days old (discharged from hospital):
Beckett 6 lbs 2.2oz
Asher 6lbs 1.5oz

6 day's old:
Beckett 6lbs 4oz
Asher 6lbs 10 oz

12 days old:
Beckett 6lbs 13.5 oz
Asher 6lbs 15 oz

The Dr. says they are doing great and dont need to be seen again! Yay! Also both of their umbilical cords came off this weekend!   My boys are growing up too fast!

Nursery almost done!

My c-section is tomorrow!!!  I am blogging from my phone for the first time - thought I would try it out.  I have been very busy all day trying to keep myself from thinking too much.

I took some picts of the nursery from my phone and thought I would post them... or attempt to.  If blogging from my phone is really this easy, I might actually keep posting on here :)   especially if I can just upload picts from my phone!

So here is the nursery!

37 weeks - 2 days until c-section!!

37 weeks - 2 days until c-section!!

In two days I will have two babies.
In two days I will have two babies.

I had to say it twice.  It is still unbelievable to me.

It has been a long hard journey to get here and I have a hard time believing it is finally true.  I cant help but reflect back on the road we traveled.  To me it started with the unrelenting idea that I wanted another child.  Nince months later we finally got pregnant only to lose the baby.  I will never forget seeing that little heart flickering on the monitor and thinking "ok. it's ok! this is real and we are having a baby!!"  I let my guard down only to have my heart crushed just 3 days later when there was no more heart beating on the monitor.  I still get choked up about it.  I still am heartbroken over the loss of that child.  I think about it less often but I have constant reminders of that loss and my heart will always hold a place for it. 

The countless number of trips to the specialist and the medicine and ultrasounds that followed that loss are also along the path here.  I was lucky enough to find my amazing Dr. after finding some referrals on message boards online.  She is a rock.  An incredibly smart, talented, selfless, amazing,  rock.  I have never cared for a doctor before her. She has helped about a dozen girls I have found online get pregnant and realize their dreams.  I am not always easy to handle and I ask a million questions but she never lost patience with me.  She has seen emotions most do not bare to look directly at and I will forever be grateful to her and her amazing staff.

Also along the path, were two more losses.  One in January, right before this pregnancy. It was short, there was never a heartbeat to be seen, but it was a life.  I mourn this child too but in a different way. I try to believe that my body was trying... it just wasnt perfect.  It needed that pregnancy to gear up for this one.

My third loss.. Baby B.  I am not shy to admit that this pregnancy started out as triplets. At 6 weeks we saw there were going to be 3 babies. Yes, we were scared and had long talks about triplets.  But we loved each of those little guys we tried so long to create.  We saw all three beating hearts at 7 weeks and our hearts swelled in amazement.  How?  How could we go 18 months without getting pregnant and then suddenly we have three in one pregnancy!?  I felt like it was my 2 previous losses joining in on this third.   By the next week we had lost Baby B.  No more heart beat.  I was very sad.  We had 3 babies growing for over 8 weeks and had known about them for 2 weeks.  I already had thoughts, dreams, visions, worries, love growing for all three of them.  I knew triplets would be hard. I knew it was dangerous too.  But that doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts a mother's soul when she loses a child... even one that is unborn and just 8 weeks along in my belly and has 2 more along side of it.   People don't understand that.  People don't understand much unless they have been in your shoes.

This has turn into a sad post.  I am just a rush of emotions right now.  People ask how I am feeling and I just say "everything."   It's true.  I am happy, elated really!  But sad and terribly scared at the same time.  I fear something going wrong, I fear what my future holds, but I am ready.  Ready to tackle the new challenges and ready to hold these two precious little babies in my arms instead of in my belly.   I am ready to meet them and introduce them to the world!!!

My triplets:

What is weird.. is the doctors rename the babies... They started out A, B and C and I lost baby B.  (the one in the top right above)  But they rename them to Baby A and B....  So what started as Baby C is now known as Baby B.  

Here is Baby "B" (or C)  last week.  His brother is down in the birth canal so no pictures of him!

That weird thing covering his eye is actually Baby A's knee...  

36 weeks

Wow.
36 weeks pregnant with twins.  I have to say, I don't think I really thought I would be here.  It feels like someone else's life sometimes.  I am starting to get pretty anxious.  I have a 3 yr old who has been the sweetest, nicest, little angel of a princess child... suddenly turned into a crazy person at the drop of a hat.  The babies arent even here yet!  Boy we are in for something... 

I have been on modified bed rest since 33 weeks.  I spent the first few days of week 33 in the hospital for preterm labor.  I went in with contractions 5 mins apart that went to 2-3 mins apart.  I dilated from closed to 4cm in about an hour... but then the OB said maybe she made a mistake and I was always at a 4?  I have no idea what that was about... but an hour later she said I was at a 5 so I was admitted, put on magnesium sulfate IV and bombarded with information, papers to sign and people who wanted to talk to me about what was about to happen. They said I was having those babies that night or if not, I was going to be in the hospital until they came.    Well, I didn't have them!   Luckily these little boys decided to bake a little longer!   A couple weeks later I was having crazy contractions again at 34w5d and was in the hospital overnight - but it was just contractions. They gave me something to relax my uterus and though I was still contracting when they sent me home I was not dilating further.  After all that,  I cant believe I have made it to 36 weeks!!!

Let me tell you.. it hurts!!!  lol  My belly is huge!  My stretch marks... well they arent as bad as some pictures i have seen of twin moms but the thing that bothers me is that they now hurt.  Well not all of them, just the big fat long one where the linea nigra is supposed to be.  I am not sure if it is still called that when it is an enormous skin splitting stretch mark. I would take a picture but that would be gross to post huh?

I had no idea that I would have contractions like this.  Also, because I am scheduled to have a c-section I never considered or thought that i would have to go through the labor process at all.  True, if I make it to that date then they just cut me open... but I didn't realize i would have all these contractions like it is labor.   This is a lot harder than my single pregnancy.  I knew it would be.. but damn!