37 weeks - 2 days until c-section!!

37 weeks - 2 days until c-section!!

In two days I will have two babies.
In two days I will have two babies.

I had to say it twice.  It is still unbelievable to me.

It has been a long hard journey to get here and I have a hard time believing it is finally true.  I cant help but reflect back on the road we traveled.  To me it started with the unrelenting idea that I wanted another child.  Nince months later we finally got pregnant only to lose the baby.  I will never forget seeing that little heart flickering on the monitor and thinking "ok. it's ok! this is real and we are having a baby!!"  I let my guard down only to have my heart crushed just 3 days later when there was no more heart beating on the monitor.  I still get choked up about it.  I still am heartbroken over the loss of that child.  I think about it less often but I have constant reminders of that loss and my heart will always hold a place for it. 

The countless number of trips to the specialist and the medicine and ultrasounds that followed that loss are also along the path here.  I was lucky enough to find my amazing Dr. after finding some referrals on message boards online.  She is a rock.  An incredibly smart, talented, selfless, amazing,  rock.  I have never cared for a doctor before her. She has helped about a dozen girls I have found online get pregnant and realize their dreams.  I am not always easy to handle and I ask a million questions but she never lost patience with me.  She has seen emotions most do not bare to look directly at and I will forever be grateful to her and her amazing staff.

Also along the path, were two more losses.  One in January, right before this pregnancy. It was short, there was never a heartbeat to be seen, but it was a life.  I mourn this child too but in a different way. I try to believe that my body was trying... it just wasnt perfect.  It needed that pregnancy to gear up for this one.

My third loss.. Baby B.  I am not shy to admit that this pregnancy started out as triplets. At 6 weeks we saw there were going to be 3 babies. Yes, we were scared and had long talks about triplets.  But we loved each of those little guys we tried so long to create.  We saw all three beating hearts at 7 weeks and our hearts swelled in amazement.  How?  How could we go 18 months without getting pregnant and then suddenly we have three in one pregnancy!?  I felt like it was my 2 previous losses joining in on this third.   By the next week we had lost Baby B.  No more heart beat.  I was very sad.  We had 3 babies growing for over 8 weeks and had known about them for 2 weeks.  I already had thoughts, dreams, visions, worries, love growing for all three of them.  I knew triplets would be hard. I knew it was dangerous too.  But that doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts a mother's soul when she loses a child... even one that is unborn and just 8 weeks along in my belly and has 2 more along side of it.   People don't understand that.  People don't understand much unless they have been in your shoes.

This has turn into a sad post.  I am just a rush of emotions right now.  People ask how I am feeling and I just say "everything."   It's true.  I am happy, elated really!  But sad and terribly scared at the same time.  I fear something going wrong, I fear what my future holds, but I am ready.  Ready to tackle the new challenges and ready to hold these two precious little babies in my arms instead of in my belly.   I am ready to meet them and introduce them to the world!!!

My triplets:

What is weird.. is the doctors rename the babies... They started out A, B and C and I lost baby B.  (the one in the top right above)  But they rename them to Baby A and B....  So what started as Baby C is now known as Baby B.  

Here is Baby "B" (or C)  last week.  His brother is down in the birth canal so no pictures of him!

That weird thing covering his eye is actually Baby A's knee...